100%: the Story of a Patriot Read online

  "Y-y-yes, sir."

  "You swear it's all true?"

  "I do."

  "And you won't let anybody persuade you to go back on it--no matterwhat they say to you?"

  "N-n-no, sir," said Peter.

  "All right," said Guffey; and his voice showed the relief of abusiness man who has closed an important deal. He became almosthuman as lie went on. "Now, Peter," he said, "you're our man, andwe're going to count on you. You understand, of course, that we haveto hold you as a witness, but you're not to be a prisoner, and we'regoing to treat you well. We'll put you in the hospital part of thejail, and you'll have good grub and nothing to do. In a week or so,we'll want you to appear before the grand jury. Meantime, youunderstand--not a word to a soul! People may try to worm somethingout of you, but don't you open your mouth about this case except tome. I'm your boss, and I'll tell you what to do, and I'll take careof you all the way. You got that all straight?"

  "Y-y-yes, sir," said Peter.

  Section 8

  There was once, so legend declares, a darky who said that he likedto stub his toe because it felt so good when it stopped hurting. Onthis same principle Peter had a happy time in the hospital of theAmerican City jail. He had a comfortable bed, and plenty to eat, andabsolutely nothing to do. His sore joints became gradually healed,and he gained half a pound a day in weight, and his busy mind set towork to study the circumstances about him, to find out how he couldperpetuate these comfortable conditions, and add to them the littleluxuries which make life really worth living.

  In charge of this hospital was an old man by the name of Doobman. Hehad been appointed because he was the uncle of an alderman, and hehad held the job for the last six years, and during that time hadgained weight almost as rapidly as Peter was gaining. He had nowcome to a condition where he did not like to get out of his armchairif it could be avoided. Peter discovered this, and so found itpossible to make himself useful in small ways. Also Mr. Doobman hada secret vice; he took snuff, and for the sake of discipline he didnot want this dreadful fact to become known. Therefore he would waituntil everybody's back was turned before he took a pinch of snuff;and Peter learned this, and would tactfully turn his back.

  Everybody in this hospital had some secret vice, and it was Mr.Doobman's duty to repress the vices of the others. The inmates ofthe hospital included many of the prisoners who had money, and couldpay to make themselves comfortable. They wanted tobacco, whiskey,cocaine and other drugs, and some of them wanted a chance topractice unnamable horrors. All the money they could smuggle in theywere ready to spend for license to indulge themselves. As for theattendants in the hospital, they were all political appointees,derelicts who had been unable to hold a job in the commercial world,and had sought an easy berth, like Peter himself. They took bribes,and were prepared to bribe Peter to outwit Mr. Doobman; Mr. Doobman,on the other hand, was prepared to reward Peter with many favors, ifPeter would consent to bring him secret information. In such asituation it was possible for a man with his wits about him toaccumulate quite a little capital.

  For the most part Peter stuck by Doobman; having learned by bitterexperience that in the long run it pays to be honest. Doobman wasreferred to by the other attendants as the "Old Man"; and always inPeter's life, from the very dawn of childhood, there had been somesuch "Old Man," the fountain-head of authority, the dispenser ofcreature comforts. First had been "Old Man" Drubb, who from earlymorning until late at night wore green spectacles, and a sign acrosshis chest, "I am blind," and made a weary little child lead him thruthe streets by the hand. At night, when they got home to theirgarret-room, "Old Man" Drubb would take off his green goggles, andwas perfectly able to see Peter, and if Peter had made the slightestmistake during the day he would beat him.

  When Drubb was arrested, Peter was taken to the orphan asylum, andthere was another "Old Man," and the same harsh lesson ofsubservience to be learned. Peter had run away from the asylum; andthen had come Pericles Priam with his Pain Paralyzer, and Peter hadstudied his whims and served his interests. When Pericles hadmarried a rich widow and she had kicked Peter out, there had comethe Temple of Jimjambo, where the "Old Man" had been TushbarAkrogas, the major-domo--terrible when he was thwarted, but agenerous dispenser of favors when once you had learned to flatterhim, to play upon his weaknesses, to smooth the path of hispleasures. All these years Peter had been forced to "crook thepregnant hinges of the knee"; it had become an instinct with him--aninstinct that went back far behind the twenty years of his consciouslife, that went back twenty thousand years, perhaps ten times twentythousand years, to a time when Peter had chipped flint spear-headsat the mouth of some cave, and broiled marrow-bones for some "OldMan" of the borde, and seen rebellious young fellows cast out tofall prey to the sabre-tooth tiger.

  Section 9

  Peter found that he was something of a personality in this hospital.He was the "star" witness in the sensational Goober case, aboutwhich the whole city, and in fact the whole country was talking. Itwas known that he had "turned State's"; but just what he knew andwhat he had told was a mighty secret, and Peter "held his mouth" andlooked portentous, and enjoyed thrills of self-importance.

  But meantime there was no reason why he should not listen to otherstalk; no reason why he should not inform himself fully about thiscase, so that in future he might be able to take care of himself. Helistened to what "Old Man" Doobman had to say, and to what JanChristian, his Swedish assistant had to say, and to what GeraldLeslie, the "coke" fiend, had to say. All these, and others, hadfriends on the outside, people who were "in the know." Some told onething, and others told exactly the opposite; but Peter put this andthat together, and used his own intrigue-sharpened wits upon it, andbefore long he was satisfied that he had got the facts.

  Jim Goober was a prominent labor leader. He had organized theemployees of the Traction Trust, and had called and led a tremendousstrike. Also he had called building strikes, and some people said hehad used dynamite upon uncompleted buildings, and made a joke of it.Anyhow, the business men of the city wanted to put him where hecould no longer trouble them; and when some maniac unknown had flunga dynamite bomb into the path of the Preparedness parade, the bigfellows of the city had decided that now was the opportunity theywere seeking. Guffey, the man who had taken charge of Peter, washead of the secret service of the Traction Trust, and the bigfellows had put him in complete charge. They wanted action, andwould take no chances with the graft-ridden and incompetent policeof the city. They had Goober in jail, with his wife and three of hisgang, and thru the newspapers of the city they were carrying on apropaganda to prepare the public for the hanging of all five.

  And that was all right, of course; Jim Goober was only a name toPeter, and of less importance than a single one of Peter's meals.Peter understood what Guffey had done, and his only grudge wasbecause Guffey had not had the sense to tell him his story at thebeginning, instead of first nearly twisting his arm off. However,Peter reflected, no doubt Guffey had meant to teach him a lesson, tomake sure of him. Peter had learned the lesson, and his purpose nowwas to make this clear to Guffey and to Doobman.

  "Hold your mouth," Guffey had said, and Peter never once said a wordabout the Goober case. But, of course, he talked about othermatters. A fellow could not go around like a mummy all day long, andit was Peter's weakness that he liked to tell about his exploits,the clever devices by which he had outwitted his last "Old Man." Soto Gerald Leslie, the "coke" fiend, he told the story of PericlesPriam, and how many thousands of dollars he had helped to wheedleout of the public, and how twice he and Pericles had been arrestedfor swindling. Also he told about the Temple of Jimjambo, and allthe strange and incredible things that had gone on there. Pashtianel Kalandra, who called himself the Chief Magistrian ofEleutherinian Exoticism, gave himself out to his followers to beeighty years of age, but as a matter of fact he was less than forty.He was supposed to be a Persian prince, but had been born in a smalltown in Indiana, and had begun life as a grocer-boy. He was supposedto live upon a hand
ful of fruit, but every day it had been Peter'sjob to assist in the preparation of a large beef-steak or a roastchicken. These were "for sacrificial purposes," so the prophetexplained to his attendants; and Peter would get the remains of thesacrificial beef-steaks and chickens, and would sacrificially devourthem behind the pantry door. That had been one of his privategrafts, which he got in return for keeping secret from the prophetsome of the stealings of Tushbar Akrogas, the major-domo.

  A wonderful place had been this Temple of Jimjambo. There weremystic altars with seven veils before them, and thru these the ChiefMagistrian would appear, clad in a long cream-colored robe with goldand purple borders, and with pink embroidered slippers and symbolichead-dress. His lectures and religious rites had been attended byhundreds--many of them rich society women, who came rolling up tothe temple in their limousines. Also there had been a school, wherechildren had been initiated into the mystic rites of the cult. Theprophet would take these children into his private apartments, andthere were awful rumors--which had ended in the raiding of thetemple by the police, and the flight of the prophet, and likewise ofthe majordomo, and of Peter Gudge, his scullion and confederate.

  Also, Peter thought it was fun to tell Gerald Leslie about hisadventures with the Holy Rollers, into whose church he had driftedduring his search for a job. Peter had taken up with this sect, andlearned the art of "talking in tongues," and how to fall over theback of your chair in convulsions of celestial glory. Peter hadgained the confidence of the Rev. Gamaliel Lunk, and had beensecretly employed by him to carry on a propaganda among thecongregation to obtain a raise in salary for the underpaidconvulsionist. But certain things which Peter had learned had causedhim to go over to the faction of Shoemaker Smithers, who was tryingto persuade the congregation that he could roll harder and fasterthan the Rev. Gamaliel. Peter had only held this latter job a fewdays before he had been fired for stealing the fried doughnut.

  Section 10

  All these things and more Peter told; thinking that he was safe now,under the protection of authority. But after he had spent about twomonths in the hospital, he was summoned one day into the office, andthere stood Guffey, glowering at him in a black fury. "You damnedfool!" were Guffey's first words.

  Peter's knees went weak and his teeth began to chatter again."Wh-wh-what?" he cried.

  "Didn't I tell you to hold your mouth?" And Guffey looked as if hewere going to twist Peter's wrist again.

  "Mr. Guffey, I ain't told a soul! I ain't said one word about theGoober case, not one word!"

  Peter rushed on, pouring out protests. But Guffey cut him short."Shut up, you nut! Maybe you didn't talk about the Goober case, butyou talked about yourself. Didn't you tell somebody you'd workedwith that fellow Kalandra?"

  "Y-y-yes, sir."

  "And you knew the police were after him, and after you, too?"

  "Y-y-yes, sir."

  "And you said you'd been arrested selling fake patent medicines?"

  "Y-y-yes, sir."

  "Christ almighty!" cried Guffey. "And what kind of a witness do youthink you'll make?"

  "But," cried Peter in despair, "I didn't tell anybody that wouldmatter. I only--"

  "What do you know what would matter?" roared the detective, addinga stream of furious oaths. "The Goober people have got spies on us;they've got somebody right here in this jail. Anyhow, they've foundout about you and your record. You've gone and ruined us with yourblabbing mouth!"

  "My Lord!" whispered Peter, his voice dying away.

  "Look at yourself on a witness-stand! Look at what they'll do to youbefore a jury! Traveling over the country, swindling people withpatent medicines--and getting in jail for it! Working for thathell-blasted scoundrel Kalandra--" and Guffey added some dreadfulwords, descriptive of the loathsome vices of which the ChiefMagistrian had been accused. "And you mixed up in that kind ofthing!"

  "I never done anything like that!" cried Peter wildly. "I didn'teven know for sure."

  "Tell that to the jury!" sneered Guffey. "Why, they've even been tothat Shoemaker Smithers, and they'll put his wife on the stand toprove you a sneak thief, and tell how she kicked you out. And allbecause you couldn't hold your mouth as I told you to!"

  Peter burst into tears. He fell down on his knees, pleading that hehadn't meant any harm; he hadn't had any idea that he was notsupposed to talk about his past life; he hadn't realized what awitness was, or what he was supposed to do. All he had been told wasto keep quiet about the Goober case, and he had kept quiet. So Petersobbed and pleaded--but in vain. Guffey ordered him back to thehole, declaring his intention to prove that Peter was the one whohad thrown the bomb, and that Peter, instead of Jim Goober, had beenthe head and front of the conspiracy. Hadn't Peter signed aconfession that he had helped to make the bomb?

  Section 11

  Again Peter did not know how long he lay shivering in the blackdungeon. He only knew that they brought him bread and water threetimes, before Guffey came again and summoned him forth. Peter nowsat huddled into a chair, twisting his trembling hands together,while the chief detective of the Traction Trust explained to him hisnew program. Peter was permanently ruined as a witness in the case.The labor conspirators had raised huge sums for their defense; theyhad all the labor unions of the city, and in fact of the entirecountry behind them, and they were hiring spies and informers, andtrying to find out all they could about the prosecution, theevidence it had collected and the moves it was preparing. Guffey didnot say that he had been afraid to kick Peter out because of thepossibility that Peter might go over to the Goober side and tell allhe knew; but Peter guessed this while he sat listening to Guffey'sexplanation, and realized with a thrill of excitement that at lasthe had really got a hold upon the ladder of prosperity. Not in vainhad his finger been almost broken and his wrist almost dislocated!

  "Now," said Guffey, "here's my idea: As a witness you're on the bum,but as a spy, you're it. They know that you blabbed, and that I knowit; they know I've had you in the hole. So now what I want to do isto make a martyr of you. D'you see?"

  Peter nodded; yes, he saw. It was his specialty, seeing things likethat.

  "You're an honest witness, you understand? I tried to get you tolie, and you wouldn't, so now you go over to the other side, andthey take you in, and you find out all you can, and from time totime you meet somebody as I'll arrange it, and send me word whatyou've learned. You get me?"

  "I get you," said Peter, eagerly. No words could portray his relief.He had a real job now! He was going to be a sleuth, like Guffeyhimself.

  "Now," said Guffey, "the first thing I want to know is, who'sblabbing in this jail; we can't do anything but they get tipped off.I've got witnesses that I want kept hidden, and I don't dare putthem here for fear of the Goober crowd. I want to know who are thetraitors. I want to know a lot of things that I'll tell you fromtime to time. I want you to get next to these Reds, and learn abouttheir ideas, so you can talk their lingo.

  "Sure," said Peter. He could not help smiling a little. He wassupposed to be a "Red" already, to have been one of their leadingconspirators. But Guffey had abandoned that pretence--or perhaps hadforgotten about it!

  It was really an easy job that Peter had set before him. He did nothave to pretend to be anything different from what he was. He wouldcall himself a victim of circumstances, and would be honestlyindignant against those who had sought to use him in a frame-upagainst Jim Goober. The rest would follow naturally. He would getthe confidence of the labor people, and Guffey would tell him whatto do next.

  "We'll put you in one of the cells of this jail," said the chiefdetective, "and we'll pretend to give you a `third degree.' You'llholler and make a fuss, and say you won't tell, and finally we'llgive up and kick you out. And then all you have to do is just hangaround. They'll come after you, or I miss my guess."

  So the little comedy was arranged and played thru. Guffey took Peterby the collar and led him out into the main part of the jail, andlocked him in one of a row of open cells. He grabbed Peter by thew
rist and pretended to twist it, and Peter pretended to protest. Hedid not have to draw on his imagination; he knew how it felt, andhow he was supposed to act, and he acted. He sobbed and screamed,and again and again he vowed that he had told the truth, that heknew nothing else than what he had told, and that nothing could makehim tell any more. Guffey left him there until late the nextafternoon, and then came again, and took him by the collar, and ledhim out to the steps of the jail, and gave him a parting kick.

  Peter was free! What a wonderful sensation--freedom! God! Had thereever been anything like it? He wanted to shout and howl with joy.But instead he staggered along the street, and sank down upon astone coping, sobbing, with his head clasped in his hands, waitingfor something to happen. And sure enough, it happened. Perhaps anhour passed, when he was touched lightly on the shoulder. "Comrade,"said a soft voice, and Peter, looking between his fingers, saw theskirts of a girl. A folded slip of paper was pressed into his handand the soft voice said: "Come to this address." The girl walked on,and Peter's heart leaped with excitement. Peter was a sleuth atlast!

  Section 12

  Peter waited until after dark, in order to indulge his sense of theromantic; also he flattered his self-importance by looking carefullyabout him as he walked down the street. He did not know just whowould be shadowing him, but Peter wanted to be sleuthy.

  Also he had a bit of genuine anxiety. He had told the truth when hesaid to Guffey that he didn't know what a "Red" was; but since thenhe had been making in quiries, and now he knew. A "Red" was a fellowwho sympathized with labor unions and with strikes; who wanted tomurder the rich and divide their property, and believed that thequickest way to do the dividing was by means of dynamite. All "Reds"made bombs, and carried concealed weapons, and perhaps secretpoisons--who could tell? And now Peter was going among them, he wasgoing to become one of them! It was almost too interesting, for afellow who aimed above everything to be comfortable. Something inhim whispered, "Why not skip; get out of town and be done with it?"But then he thought of the rewards and honors that Guffey hadpromised him. Also there was the spirit of curiosity; he might skipat any time, but first he would like to know a bit more about beinga "dick."